Hello my lovelies, are you finally thinking about getting back into the dating pool? Good, I am proud of you, you didn’t let your past heartbreak hold you back and keep you from getting up and trying again. Whether your last relationship was a month ago or some years ago there are some things that I feel would benefit you to do before you commit to your next partner. These are things I had to figure out on my own after a tough breakup, but my life sucked so yours doesn’t have to so I have prepared a list for you. It is a good idea to try out these tips in order for you to get the most out of your next serious relationship.
Learn the lesson
It doesn’t matter if you’ve had several relationships or just one, there is a lesson in every interaction we have with another human being. This is especially true in the love department. A lot of people because they feel the pain of a heartbreak tend to see themselves as the victim and not really take responsibility for their part in the breakup. For some of you this might be hard to hear, that even though you were hurt by another person, you have to evaluate the part you played in the relationship. It hurt and offended me a lot to entertain the idea that I might have been a participant in my own heartbreak, or that I would have to take some sort of responsibility in the situation when the person I was dating was a complete jerk. In my last relationship I was cheated on and lied to, it would have been easy for me to play victim and just chalk the reason for the pain I went through on my ex. I choose not to because I realized that I had another relationship where I was cheated on and lied to also. I felt something was wrong but stayed due to fear of abandonment and hope for change. I stayed until the relationship became a complete disaster. If you’ve been in several relationships, it’s worth paying attention to any ongoing patterns that show up like a theme in your life.
The lesson we need to learn could be big or small and could be about anything. Maybe you need to learn how to stand up for yourself, maybe you need to learn how to communicate better with your partner, perhaps you might come across as jealous or controlling inevitably pushing people away. Whatever the lesson is, the key to pinpointing it is by getting out of victim mode and into self-evaluation mode. Evaluate everything about the relationship to get to the root of the problem that deals with you and things you might need to address within yourself and improve upon in order to keep history from repeating itself. Doing this helped me to feel more secure and confident walking into future relationships.
A boundary is something that indicates bounds or limits. It is a territory or a line that should not be crossed. Everyone needs boundaries set up in their lives, some have none and some have too many. Having safe and healthy boundaries keeps you from falling into toxic relationships and self-destructive patterns. Having boundaries shows that you care for yourself and recognize that you and your emotions deserve respect from everyone. Some examples of boundaries include leaving at the beginning stages of disrespect, walking away from people who partake in self destructive habits like drugs, and/ or removing yourself from situations that lower your self-esteem or make you feel like your voice isn’t being heard. To create your boundaries, learn from your mistakes from past relationships and write down what you will and won’t tolerate. And in theory everyone has boundaries, but some don’t actually enforce them. For some sticking up for yourself is hard, and some might equate sticking up for yourself with being mean or harsh but trust me it isn’t. Boundaries help to protect you from the sustained abuse of others. If you are like me and are just starting to enforce clear cut boundaries for yourself it’s good to keep these tips in mind:
- Standing up for yourself is healthy and you should distance yourself from people who make you feel otherwise.
- Don’t give long explanations or apologize for your boundary.
- Handle boundary violations early on the longer you wait, the harder it is to correct.
- You don’t have to yell to assert your boundaries you can still be pleasant and nice but just don’t back down.
Find ways to self-improve
Most of my steps are geared towards self-improvement, there is no escaping this. There is not one person alive that doesn’t need to improve themselves, so let us take the stigma and the embarrassment out of this act. Ways you can practice self-improvement is by going to therapy if you feel there are underlying issues that are haunting your relationships, reading self-help books, and making conscious and daily changes in your life. You might find that you have a dependency issue while in a relationship. If that’s the case during your single time learn to strengthen your sense of independence and self-esteem. Do something, do anything to make sure that the person you were when your last relationship was failing isn’t the person you still are when you develop a new relationship.
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Write down what you want good and bad
This step is pivotal, when I was younger, I knew somewhat of what I wanted in a relationship but never wrote it down or mulled over it. I would walk into every single one of my relationships without any clear vision on how I wanted it to look, progress, or feel like beyond the honeymoon phase. I would wing it until the relationship failed (I was the epitome of dumb and in love.) Most relationships will feel great in the beginning leading us to get carried away in the moment. But it’s after the endorphins from the new love have calmed down and you evaluate the relationship, then will you find out if it is what you really need. In my mind I knew I wanted the end result to be marriage but never looked at what would be healthy and happy for me on a daily basis in my relationship to be able to achieve that. Writing down the things you want and the things you don’t want from a relationship will help guide you in making the wrong decisions and spending too much time in situations that aren’t really for your greatest good. The list is something you should keep with you to look over and read at random times to remember what exactly it was that you wanted when you were clear headed. You can keep the list in your cell phone, or in a box or journal for safekeeping until you’re ready to look at it again. by doing this you will find out if your relationship is actually matching up well or if you have fallen back into a toxic or stagnant situation. I’ve created a cute printable list that you can download free for you to write on to do this step. Located right below this text.
Have a positive outlook
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” this is easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart. Overcoming heartbreak after heartbreak can take a toll on your mind, emotions and spirit. It might be hard to hope for the best when you have struggled so hard at finding love. Remnant memories of past heart breaks can serve as a wall against fully accepting new love and can also self-sabotage a good thing before it starts. So, it is important to remove past negative outlooks on love and become more positive. After all you have tackled the issues that plagued your past, you have every right to be hopeful and optimistic about the future. You now can avoid making the same mistakes again. Start saying positive affirmations daily about not just your love life, but every facet of your life. You can speak positivity into any area of your life, and it will manifest. Start making declarations for your future relationship like “I will find a rare and true love” and also “I am worthy of love”. I am a strong advocate for positive affirmations only because I’ve seen first-hand that they work. I used to be really pessimistic until I started saying these types of things daily. Granted I cried a lot in the beginning stages of doing this because my mouth and mind were at odds but slowly and surely, I started to have a new outlook. This is not a quick fix scheme; I still have my Debby downer days, but they are fewer and shorter in duration than they were before.
Forgive yourself and forgive your past
You can go through all the tips I have listed and still not be healed from the event that happened, break ups are traumatic to some and forgiveness is needed in order to fully move forward. It might be harder for some than others depending on the circumstance but something that helped me to forgive was accepting my faults in the relationship as well. Also realizing that how people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their mental health. Hurt people, hurt people; this is such a popular saying and it is very true, but we tend to forget that people had pasts before us and situations that created them to act in certain ways. Forgiveness helps to stop the cycle of hurt and keeps you from becoming just another byproduct of a horrible event. After my last relationship I started to become bitter, unoptimistic and fearful of love, all traits that I never had up until I was hurt by a particular person. I realized allowing these feelings to fester was actually allowing this person to succeed in breaking my character and ruin my chances at finding a true and happy love. Whether this was their intention or not I couldn’t give someone that much power over me or the satisfaction of destroying the best parts of my personality. Call me stubborn, but this is actually what made me fight even harder to forgive and better myself. I couldn’t allow myself to become part of a cycle of hurt and abuse. Because had I not forgiven or done the hard work of rebuilding myself, I would have definitely hurt the next person I was with.
These are just a few of my tips in order to feel better going into your next relationship. I really hope you enjoyed some of the info and gained something from this post. If you have any suggestions for other readers on ways to prepare or improve for the next relationship share them in the comments below! Also, don’t be afraid to share your progress, stories of hurt and or stories of redemption, all is welcomed here. Don’t forget to click on the free relationship goals template download as nice keepsake.