Getting cheated on is one of the hardest things to accept and endure in a relationship. It can lead to low self-esteem and self-worth, confusion on if it was your fault and sometimes comparison to the person or persons you were cheated on with. I was first cheated on when I was about 20 years old, I was made to feel crazy (gaslighted) by my ex because I already had my suspicions. But when it was finally exposed that’s when I started to lose pieces of who I was. I started to compare myself to the women he was cheating on me with (yes, I said women, he was a low life) and started to lose who I originally was because I was investing my energy into trying to become who I thought my ex wanted me to be. So I have some advice/ tips for you from the stupid mistakes I made learning to become whole again.
Do Not Blame Yourself!!!!!
You getting cheated on in no way shape or form is your fault! You shouldn’t take responsibility for someone else’s actions. DO NOT INTERNALIZE OTHER PEOPLES SHIT! I know first-hand how easy this is to do, but you are not what happens to you. You are only what you allow to define you. It is easier to blame yourself than to place blame on the other person. Especially if the other person is trying to place blame on you also by saying they “only cheated because”. Blaming yourself comes from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. I can’t force you to believe that you are important or that you are special, I can only help to instill the notion. But hun there wasn’t and still isn’t anything wrong with you and you absolutely don’t deserve what you are going through. I know some of you are like ” yea yea yea what do you know Lovely” but I do know because I was you before and looking back there wasn’t anything wrong with me and I wish I could go back in time and slap myself for feeling anything different. These partners we choose sometimes aren’t even worth the stress we put ourselves through. I saw an ex the other day and was like ” I cant believe I used to cry for you”.
Forgive yourself during this time, be kind to yourself, it is easy to say things like ” why didn’t I see this coming”, “why was I so foolish” or ” why am i still sad”. It takes some of us longer than others to find the meaning in some of our experiences and that’s ok there is no set time limit to healing or to gaining wisdom. the stronger version of you and leave the weaker person behind. Truth is, is that you are never the same after encountering infidelity, but that is ok. Follow the tips listed and focus on self-development so you will only become better. I wouldn’t want to go back to who I was before I was cheated on because that person wasn’t well equipped to deal with life and the blows that come with it. It is in these life experiences that we gain knowledge and wisdom and strength.
Don’t try to change yourself for someone else!! EVER!!
This is the WORST thing you could try to do, changing yourself for someone else won’t make them like you more. It actually will do the opposite; it gives off a needy vibe and if I have learned anything in my life is that neediness is like a “love repulsion spray”. The needier you become the further you push your desired outcome with that person. Only change yourself in ways that will serve you and not your partner, change by raising your own self-esteem, change by finding new hobbies and past times that take your mind off of the negative. Change by doing the self-help work needed to build yourself back up. Changing yourself for someone else will get you to a point where you don’t know who you are and you won’t be able to recognize yourself. I did this in my first relationship and it’s a horrible feeling, I tried to change myself not understanding that the more I tried to be like someone else I thought my ex would want the more I started losing pieces of myself. It’s never worth it in the long run trust me, if it’s meant to be it will be and if it’s not, you’re going to look back on this year from now and cringe at the decisions you made for someone who didn’t even deserve to grace your presence.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you so stop THINKING there is.
Stop the negative self-talk. I don’t know how critical of yourself you are being right now but you need to stop. You are only hurting yourself and now you’re suffering twice, once by the act of infidelity and now by your own hand. I have come to realize that it’s never about the person you were cheated on with and it’s not about you it is ALWAYS about the cheater. You could look like a goddess and still be cheated on, be as smart as a whip and still be cheated on, DO EVERYTHING RIGHT and still be cheated on so when are you going to take the pressure off of yourself? At some point you need to take the burden of being “better” or “perfect” off of your shoulders and place the burden of being “honest” and “loyal” on your ex or partner. You did nothing to deserve this.
You can counteract this urge by saying positive affirmations I’ve included a positive affirmation sheet you can download on your phone and read to help.
Become a Phoenix
What you went through is traumatic you have a right to be sad you have a right to grieve. Take the time out to actually feel the emotions you need to feel. This is not only recommended but it is healthy. Then start healing like the wolverine on HGH. Like I’ve been stating over and over there is absolutely nothing wrong with you but its always a kick in an ex’s face when you end up better than you were. So, turn this event into a reason to go through a rebirth. Spawn like a majestic phoenix from the ashes of infidelity. I’m asking you to be a little stubborn. I used to be the one to stay down when a major devastating event happened to me, and I would stay down for months to years wasting time being angry or sad but never searching inside to make myself better or reframe my thinking. I would think I got over the situation because I eventually stopped caring about what happened but I never actually healed and I would still be the same person on the inside so when and if the same situation happened again (which it did because I never fixed my thinking patterns or evaluated the hurt or event on a self-growth level) I would actually respond worse than I did the last time and stay sadder for longer. It was a messy cycle and I was depressed for years and years. Now I’ve turned into a stubborn SOB, don’t get me wrong I can still cry and sulk with the best of them but I also try my hardest to find the lesson in the pain and turn this negative into positive. I think of it as giving an invisible “fuck you” to the person who hurt me. My revenge is self-improvement.
Find your support system.
With any event that hurts us, you should have a group of people that are close to you that you can vent too. I realized this late in life, I had friends but never allowed them to see me at my lowest, never allowed myself to vent or allow someone to be there for me. I went through a lot of things alone and that actually stunted my healing. You need the positive and healing energy of others to make it through some of life’s issues. We weren’t made to be alone and stay alone. Life works better as a network but that’s another topic for another day. And yes therapy can be apart of your support system. Even reading about the testimonies of other people who have survived the same trial you have can be healing in a way. Don’t be an island of despair reach out to those who LOVE you. You can even send me a message I can send you some love and support to help you through. But a lot of times I read blogs like this 🙂 or I go on Quora which is such a great platform to gain advice and see stories from other people who share similar wounds and experiences. I don’t know but knowing that you’re not alone in your hurt is comforting. Seeing others triumph where you are struggling can give you strength and hope. Try it out.
Out with the old and in with the new
Bye to depression, bye to self deprecating thoughts and thoughts that don’t serve you, bye to staying stuck in misery. Life is all about progression and change and never staying stagnant. It’s never fun to be stuck in the same place, not in your feelings, not in traffic and especially not life. Out with your old mentality and in with new thoughts new experiences, new people, and new feelings. Everyone talks about healing without talking about what it looks like, healing can be ugly AF in the beginning but it can also be beautiful. If you’re seriously trying to get over an ex or their actions against you. Constantly sitting and thinking about it wont help you. Go out and have fun, give your brain some new things and constructive challenges to focus on. Doing this will not only help you heal but also give you new positive and good memories to overpower the old hurtful ones. I’ll let you in on a little secret I was hurting about a year and a half ago before I started this blog. Writing to you, and sharing my experiences has been therapeutic and healing for me. It gives me a sense of purpose and direction that erases the pain of the past.
Middle finger to the sky and wave them hoes HIGH!
Honestly capital “F” whoever hurt you in this manner. They are low grade human beings. If they can’t or won’t see that you were an amazing fantastical ethereal piece of a beautiful human being then that’s their loss. Do me a favor take your middle fingers and wave them in the air. I sometimes do this while running through the house screaming “IM THE SHIT AND EFF ANYONE WHO CAN’T SEE IT” I know it sounds silly to do and you might even laugh at my antics but trust me its empowering. I don’t care if you don’t originally believe it but you need to take back your power. Take back your strength in any and every way possible. I hope you take these tips, advice, inspiration or whatever you want to call it and implement it into your life. I know what you’re going through is rough and can be devastating but you are not alone. Others have passed through this same fire and made it out to the other side. I know you will be able to also. If the content resonated with you or you have more to add whether it be a story of your own or inspiration drop a comment below. Until next time lovelies, love you.